Ratings & Reviews

Let's Review - I love entertainment. Cheap, highbrow, lowbrow, trashy, pulp, intellectual, rare, common So long as it's fun, I'm down with it. Movies, television, plays, comics, books, music and more all come into play here. Really, even food has become entertainment (e.g. - Sucky-Yummy). Below is a "simple" definition breakdown of the rating system I employ on DobraWorks, from worst to best:

 GILLIGAN    = --

 HOWELL      = ★

 PROFESSOR = ★ ★

 SKIPPER       = ★ ★ ★

 GINGER        = ★ ★ ★ ★

 MARY ANN   = ★ ★ ★ ★ ★

A few years back a friend and I tried to expand upon an exercise I'd done in college, where I'd do food reviews of any convenience foods with a "new" label plastered on it. We went all out and bought odd and random items from Big Lots!, 99¢ Only stores, and other "non-grocery" locations. We ate the crap on the camera for a series of video reviews. But, after three hours of eating Strawberry Milkshake Oreos and Chocolate Lucky Charms, none of the footage survives ...

On the other hand, our rating's scale did survive. Instead of thumbs or stars, I suggested we base the ratings on characters from Gilligan's Island.

Why?

• Sherwood Schwartz claimed the show's core concept was to be a microcosm for society where each character represented a different "type" of person. I think every food (even the bad stuff) has its audience. Hopefully these "types" elaborate a review score beyond just "good" or "bad."

• My favorite Island episode is "Pass The Vegetables, Please" in which the castaways eat radioactive vegetables and then get super powers as a result (read transcript, buy on Amazon).

• The show was a critical bomb, but a popular success. Using a critical failure to measure the success of others seemed perfect for a world where Patton Oswalt's "sadness bowl" is a runaway success.

Originally designed for food I nicknamed it the "Sucky-to-Yummy" scale, but soon I realized the scale could be used for rating anything. For the sake of simplicity there's the above scale, but if you're interested, below is a nuanced breakdown:

 GILLIGAN  - A complete failure. Even if you think it's a good idea, it probably isn't. A "Gilligan" won't improve your life -- it will only keep you stranded on the island.

Think about it: the one heroic act "little buddy" did was save the "The Skipper's" life. That one action then doomed him to a life stranded with an ungrateful Skipper who now continuously hits and insults the man who once saved his life. Isn't that a punishment lifted from Dante's Inferno?

 HOWELL  - Never again. Well, not unless you paid me a million bucks. The Howells symbolized the idol rich. They had no real talent, poor observational skills, and they generally relied on useless piles of cash to survive on a deserted island.

The color red is not only the highest level on the terror alert system, but it also symbolizes the blood of the bourgeoisie which will be spilled when the revolution comes. You can also call this "The Cheney."

 PROFESSOR  - Good idea. Poor execution. For all of his brilliance, the professor never got the crew and passengers off the island. Not for lack of trying. He made power tools, tapped a transcontinental phone line, fixed a Mars satellite, built a metal forge, a lie detector, and a car - all with bamboo and coconuts ... yet he couldn't fix the boat. To call something a "Professor" is to say that it has a lot of good elements, but it just doesn't connect.

 SKIPPER  - Just fine. The Skipper served his country proudly in WWII. He started a small business. He's what most American's aspire to. There's nothing wrong with him, but his life is totally dictated by those around him. He's vanilla. Fine on his own, he has a tendency to take on the flavor of what you put him with. If you add a "Gilligan" ... stand back.

 GINGER  - Glamour, glitz, perhaps more flash than substance, but still a hot property. Let me put the debate to rest, Ginger is second best. It's like the old joke, "Q: Why do women wear make-up and perfume? A: Because they're ugly and they smell bad." Like so many women who come to Hollywood, she's beautiful because that's what she spends all of her time working on. I mean, she brought evening gowns on a three hour boat tour. If something's a "Ginger" they're the "F" in "F, Marry, Kill."

 MARY ANN  - The perfect girl next door. She's worth pining for (Bob Denver said so). Just like the lovely green bottom of the terror alert system, when you're with her you feel like there's, "low risk of terrorist attacks." Also, just like the girl next door, "Mary Ann" is right there, and maybe sometimes over looked.

There you have it. It may seem a little weighted towards the negative end of the scale, but consider it my own personal fight against the over use of the word "awesome." I mean, how often is your sandwich really a "Mary Ann" and not, say, the "Professor"?